The PathetiX: Marvel's Lamest Mutants
by ChickenTarget
Summary: Not all mutants are powerful. Not all mutants are glamarous. Not all mutants are X-Men. Who are the PathetiX? Originally at Marvel2000 and still is, some continuity is based off there. RR.
1. With Lame Power

PATHETIX  
  
"WITH LAME POWER…COMES A VERY TINY BIT OF RESPONSIBILITY"  
  
By Chris Oliva  
  
A flock of Guardsmen march like an army down the sections of the greatest prison dedicated to housing super-human criminals…the Vault. Several prisoners looked out of their each specially designed cell, watching and waiting to see who would be the first to leave today. Turning to a corner to even more cells, more prisoners watched the powerful Guardsmen continually march along the halls.   
  
He was always cold in his cell. They kept it that way so he wouldn't use his powers. He never talked to anyone and he never lashed out in any fights. He barely talked except if he didn't want broccoli with his carrots or if he yawned. Closing his eyes, he began to rethink his life, until the marching of the Guardsmen became louder with every tap.   
  
His ears and eyes perked up as they stopped in front of his room.  
  
"Walter Goodwill, also known as Eye Scream. Mutant Power: can turn into any flavor of ice cream he desires," says a Guardsmen as he turns off the cooler in the cell, "You are free to go. Come with us."  
  
With hope finally gleaming in Walter's eyes for the first time in his life, he quickly walked out of his cell and followed the Guardsmen. Walking down the hallways, his cellmates started to boo and hiss. "Not the mutie!" they said, "Oh, sheesh the Ben and Jerry's dude?" said others. Ignoring their statements Walter closed his eyes and thought only of finally getting the chance to change his life for the better.  
  
Reaching outside, there stood no reporters or nobody to welcome Walter home. The Guardsmen took off Walter's adamantium hand cuffs and gave him his bluish black suit.  
  
"If you do anything wrong again, you'll be back here in a heartbeat. Do I make myself clear?"  
  
Walter remained emotionless and stared into the Guardsmen metal face. "Yes. Crystal." Walking the opposite direction from the Vault, Walter Goodwill smiled. It's his time to do well and no one is going to stop him.  
  
Interlude:  
  
When once was peaceful, only seconds can change an area. Three humanoid figures stand in a crashing spaceship headed for our moon. A male humanoid barks orders in an unknown language at the other two, one male, one female, while they quickly move around the damaged ship. It seems that the quick moves of the two workers seem not to be of any help as the ship quickly heads towards our moon and crashes. The male and female who were working around the ship get out of the wreckage in very sophisticated spacesuits. They quickly start to move away the wreckage and find the captain humanoid cut in half with blue blood spilled across the ship pieces.  
  
End Interlude  
  
She runs with such ferocity and excitement. A smile appears on her face as her backpack jiggles with every step to the ground. Finally reaching her destination, she places a key into a beautiful suburban home and flings her backpack to the ground.  
  
"Mom, I'm home!"   
  
The young girl runs happily into her pink room and leaps on her bed.   
  
"What's for dinner?"  
  
The mother doesn't answer until a few seconds later. "Chicken Strips, carrots and I'm making French Fries. Sound good?"  
  
"I guess. I was more in the mood for pizza."  
  
"Well get in the mood for chicken." Says the mother as she walks into her daughter's room and kisses her on the forehead. "Why don't you take off the patch?"  
  
The young girl remembers suddenly and then reaches for her behind and takes off a denim colored square patch. Suddenly, a long squirrel tail appears as the young girl breathes in relief. She then opens her mouth and takes out the top part of her teeth to reveal one big tooth.  
  
"Mom…do you think I'm a freak?"  
  
The mother gasps as if it was the stupidest thing anyone has ever said to her. "Of course not! How can Ms. Cheryl Wiggum be a freak when she is the most beautiful girl in the entire world?"  
  
Cheryl blushes a bright red.  
  
"I mean, you're in your junior year of high school, you're on the high honor roll in school. You're so happy go lucky all the time. You're my daughter and I love you."  
  
"Even when I'm Squirrel Girl…?"  
  
The mother smiles, "Even when you're Squirrel Girl." Brushing Cheryl's hair slightly, the mother gets up and walks out of the room.  
  
Cheryl Wiggum was in fact Squirrel Girl, a mutant with the "powers" of a squirrel. Her joy riding with Iron Man gave her, her first real start at super-heroics when she defeated Dr. Doom.   
  
"What's on T.V…" said Cheryl, getting up from bed and feeding her pet squirrel, which she oddly named Monkey Joe. Walking casually towards the remote she plopped back onto bed and turned it on.  
  
"…We interrupt our regular scheduled program for this important news bulletin. 'Hello, I'm Dena Cravens. Here in our cherished city of Chicago, it appears that a villain calling himself "Stilt-Man" has just robbed a local bank and has been terrorizing our local police force. Recent reports also have told us that he has held several innocent people hostage inside the bank…"  
  
Cheryl immediately turned off the television and ran into her walk in closet.  
  
"Mom? I'll be late for dinner."  
  
Walter Goodwill smiled as he opened his awaiting mouth for the taste of strawberry ice-cream. The apartment wasn't much, but with the money that he had on him, it would be fine. He dug around the bowl with his spoon, yet no more ice-cream seemed to be there. He sighed and placed his finger over the bowl as a swirl of strawberry ice-cream flooded into the bowl.  
  
"How can this be a useless power?" Walter thought. "I can cure world hunger!"  
  
Walter laughed at his corny joke and continued eating his ice-cream. He then turned on a nearby radio and lay down, placing the bowl on his stomach.  
  
"This song sucks, let's see…" exclaimed Walter, yet hearing the song being interrupted by a news announcement. Listening intently, Walter stood up, spilling his ice-cream to the floor.  
  
"Stilt-Man, eh? Never heard of him, but this can be the time when I re-invent myself. Now, where'd I put that dumb ol' suit…?"  
  
Police cars swarmed around a local bank. News reporters flocked to their cameras and began their speeches of the current situation. Inside the local bank, the scene is a little different.  
  
"Wilbur Day…that's me. Yep, that's me. I'm Wilbur Day. Stilt-Man. I'm Wilbur Day." Wilbur Day was the Stilt-Man, a criminal who was been around since the beginnings of Spider-Man and Daredevil. His consistent losses and recent brawls with the Excalibur member USAgent and New Warriors member's Turbo and Ultra-Girl have finally taken a toll on Day's mind. In short…he's lost most of his marbles.  
  
(Stilt Man fought the USAgent in Excalibur Annual 2002 and he fought Turbo and Ultra-Girl in New Warriors #8, respectively – Chris.)  
  
The Stilt-Man seemed to be twitching oddly in his suit as his three thugs unprofessionally gathered the hostages into a small group.  
  
"What now boss?" asked a thug.  
  
"Money. Need money to beat heroes. Money makes suit better. Good…money." Wilbur said. He seemed to be gazing into nothingness. One thug held a gun at the workers and customers of the bank while the other two ran towards the back and started to shoot down the vault door.  
  
"Officer, I am super hero and I can handle this. Please step aside." Squirrel Girl stood in a purple jumpsuit with strange black eye paint around her eyes. Her tail flew wildly as she stood. A giant buck tooth was the eye popping detail on her face.  
  
"Who tha hell are ya? Squirrel Girl? These super heroes are comin' from all ova the place." The overweight police officer said, giving Squirrel Girl a questionable look.  
  
Suddenly, Squirrel Girl's squirrel pet, Monkey Joe turns around and watches as a man start to run towards the scene. Cheryl turns around and watches.   
  
"Have….huff…no fear! Phew…Eye-Scream is here…Jesus…huff." He placed his palms on his knees and started to breathe in and out.  
  
Squirrel Girl looked at him strangely, "Ice Cream?"  
  
"Eye Scream. It's a play on words, toothy. Now, I'm here to save the day. Where's Rumple Stilts-kin?"  
  
"I told tha Squirrel and ah'll tell you too…GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" the police officer yelled, getting rather impatient.  
  
"Do you eat with that mouth?" Eye Scream was getting frustrated. He could have easily shot a blast of ice cream into the police officer's eyes but what would that give him? Even if he did stop Stilt-Man, he'd still be back at the vault and he had vowed to change his life. He wasn't going to do something stupid on his second day out of prison.  
  
As he was thinking, Squirrel Girl grabbed his arm and walked out of the crowd.  
  
"Ice Cream, right? This isn't working and there aren't many super heroes in Chicago. We have to find a back entrance."  
  
"Ok, it's EYE SCREAM. I thought I made it clear when we were talking to tubby back there and second of all who are you?"  
  
"I'm Squirrel Girl, a mutant with the powers of a Squirrel!"  
  
Eye Scream looked at her without an expression. "…Right. Umm…I'm a mutant too…if you wanted to know. I can create any type of ice cream I want."  
  
Squirrel Girl tried to hold in a chuckle as she grabbed Eye Scream's arm and continued to run down a separate alleyway. They reached the side of the bank beyond view of the spectators and police.  
  
"Stand back." Squirrel Girl said. She smiled broadly and started to punch at the wall. Cracks started to appear faintly and then more lively as she continued to pummel the wall.  
  
"Whoa. Last time I saw a squirrel, it never had super human strength. Although I have been away for three years…" said Eye Scream.   
  
"My hands are strong as Squirrel's teeth. They'll do." She said as the entire wall broke down. The hostages screamed at the wall breaking as Stilt Man slammed towards the two heroes.  
  
"Who are you? Leave now!" Stilt Man crashed his feet down upon the floor, making Eye Scream and Squirrel Girl jump in surprise. Stilt Man's guards stood behind him witch their guns cocked and ready.  
  
Eye Scream turned a small dial on his suit and grinned. "Turn the dial, flash a smile and turn those guns to an ice cream pile!" The dial on his suit sets his powers to freeze on impact as he aims three well aimed vanilla flavored blasts at the guns.   
  
The guns freeze in the thugs' hands as the Stilt Man starts to stretch around and glare at the heroes.   
  
"Ice Cream! He's open!" screamed Squirrel Girl as she said some unheard words to Monkey Joe.   
  
"I scream, you scream we all scream for EYE SCREAM! Toothy, it's EYE. SCREAM. Yee-hah!" Within a second, Eye Scream jumped on top of Stilt Man and placed his hand over Stilt Man's eyes. "Now this is where my codename makes sense."  
  
With a devilish grin, he squirts freezing cold ice cream into Stilt Man's open eyes. A loud and terrifying scream is heard soon after.  
  
Monkey Joe leaps into the opening that Squirrel Girl made in the wall and leaves the scene. Squirrel Girl starts to punch wildly on Stilt Man's large steel legs.  
  
"This guy sucks big time! Got any final ideas toothy?"  
  
"Just one! MONKEY JOE!" Squirrel Girl smiles and folds her arms across her chest as thousands upon thousands of Squirrels appear from the opening on the wall and jump Stilt Man. Eye Scream jumps off of him just before Stilt Man falls to the ground as the squirrels over run poor Wilbur Day.  
  
"Wow. You're squirrel buddies are pretty neat. You ain't so bad yerself, toothy."  
  
"Thanks, Ice Cream. Same towards you."  
  
"EYE SCREAM. It's an eye, the thing that blinks and then an ear shattering scream. What's so hard about it?"  
  
Squirrel Girl laughs and extends her hand out. "We worked well together. We should do this more often. Ya know the teaming up thing."  
  
"I couldn't have agreed more myself. But how are we going to explain this to tubby and his officers of doom?"  
  
Monkey Joe jumps on top of Squirrel Girl's shoulder as she thinks.   
  
"How about we don't explain it?"  
  
Eye Scream smiles as he places his arm over Squirrel Girl's shoulder, "Toothy, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship…" 


	2. Light is Dark, Dark is Light

PATHETIX  
  
"LIGHT IS DARK, DARK IS LIGHT"  
  
His name is Walter Goodwill, also known as the Ecstatic Eye Scream. His mutant power is create any type of ice cream he wants. He can also melt his body down to ice cream with the aid of his suit.  
  
Her name is Cheryl Wiggum, also known as the Sensational Squirrel Girl. Her mutant powers are the features of a squirrel. She has a long squirrel-like tail, a giant tooth and small fur. She also has a small "knuckle spike" which is a small spike that has grown out of the back of her hand. It has grown bigger since she was younger.  
  
What has brought these mutants together? I think the question is…why did they get together?   
  
A day has passed since they're first battle with the Stilt Man and the two heroes have set base up Eye Scream's apartment.  
  
"Go fish. So you've spent three years in the Vault? Got any fours?" asked Squirrel Girl as Eye Scream picked up a card from the deck.  
  
"Yep, three years...just because I wanted to destroy the X-Men. Is that so bad? Go fish."  
  
(In Marvel's Obnoxio the Clown vs. the X-Men – Chris)  
  
Squirrel Girl put down her cards and looked at Eye Scream. She seemed a little frightened. "Ice, why did you want to do that?"  
  
He put down his cards as well and took a spoonful of ice cream from a bowl nearby. "I was real dumb at the time. I wanted revenge because even when I hanged around mutants, they made fun of me. I was screwed by humans and mutants. It pissed me off so much, I just lost it."  
  
Squirrel Girl placed her hand on Eye Scream's shoulder and grinned, "I won't judge you on the past, Ice. Since we're telling each other about ourselves, I'm Cheryl Wiggum."  
  
Eye Scream smiled, "Are you related to that cop from the Simpsons?"  
  
"I get that all the time. If you tell me your name is Ben Jerry I'll seriously die of laughter."  
  
"Hardy har har, toothy. Aren't you the clever one? My name is Walter Goodwill, but I like to be called Walt. Walt, only."  
  
They shook hands and smiled.  
  
"Now back to the game. Remember..? You were losing." Eye Scream smiled a large and sarcastic smile. Squirrel Girl didn't pick up her cards.  
  
"I was thinking…we should start a team. A place where mutants who even get ridiculed by other mutants can be…like you were saying."  
  
"That's not a bad idea, for a squirrel. But finding mutants with lame powers isn't exactly a common thi.."  
  
"…I got it! When I first told my mother that I was a mutant, she got really scared. She started giving me a load of stuff mutant related. One day, I got this newsletter called the Mutant Gazette. It had classifieds and stuff about different mutants."  
  
"Ya got it on ya, toothy?"  
  
"I will in a second. Wait here while I get an issue from my house."  
  
Interlude:  
  
Our moon. A female humanoid placed her hand through her bright yellow hair and walked over to a male humanoid. He got up from his location and kissed the female and sat back down and continued to fix the wreckage of his spaceship. The female walked over to an unconscious humanoid head and picked up a few tools that lay beside her. She placed her hand into her hair again and began working, knowing exactly what to do.  
  
End Interlude  
  
Eye Scream and Squirrel Girl had a small brochure in there hand and began reading several articles. Eye Scream snatched it from Squirrel Girl's hand and laughed.  
  
"Check this out: May 17th holds our annual "Mutie Lovers" week. Bring your forks and spoons for the main event!"   
  
"Seek help." Squirrel Girl said, snatching the brochure back. She was looking for a girl who had placed a classified into the paper. The girl had lived in Chicago for years and claimed she had a strange power. Reaching a very small trailer, she knocked on the door.  
  
"Hello? Is anyone home?"  
  
Eye Scream lightly pushed Squirrel Girl out of the way. "Toothy, this is how it's done." He turns the knob and the door opens. Both heroes walk in and call out.  
  
"Hello? Is anyone here? Is anyone home?" Squirrel Girl says. She opens another door and jumps. A girl with rainbow colored hair sits in the corner of the room wearing a black leather trench coat. She grins.  
  
"Um...I'm sorry we just barged in like this. Are you…Becca Eidelman? You placed an ad in the Mutant Gazette.   
  
"Yo, there's no one here…whoa! Who's the multicolor broad?" Eye Scream asks, standing next to Squirrel Girl. The girl sitting in the corner got up and walked over to Squirrel Girl and Eye Scream.  
  
"Come with me." The rainbow hair girl walked out of the room and went straight into another one. Eye Scream nudged Squirrel Girl.  
  
"And you wanted me to seek help? She's a walkin' South Oaks! Let's leave while we can." Squirrel Girl ignored him and walked into the room.  
  
"Yes," said the rainbow hair girl as Squirrel Girl entered the room, "I am known as Becca Eidelman. I'm a mutant."  
  
"What are your powers? Can you summon Rainbow Brite?" Eye Scream asked.  
  
Becca looked away and held up a book. "I can change my skin and other people's skin to different colors."  
  
The others looked at her and gave her a strange look. She was the worst out of the both of them and they knew it. At least they could cause damage to things. All she could do was change the color of her skin. Her hair seemed a result of birth as Squirrel Girl saw her roots were rainbow as well.  
  
Becca started to tug the book closer to her. She closed her eyes and started to hum.  
  
"Whoa…that's a…pretty song?" Eye Scream said, getting a little skeeved. He whispered into Squirrel Girl's ear. "Let's ace this place. She's freakin' me out."  
  
Becca turned around and looked at Eye Scream. "Am I scaring you?"  
  
Eye Scream stood still.  
  
"Am I?" Becca raised the book over her head. A bright yellow aura appeared around her hand as the bed next to her started to move and walk on its own. Eye Scream and Squirrel Girl started to move slowly backwards with confused looks on their faces.  
  
Becca's skin color started to drastically change to random colors as the bed moved quicker towards them. Squirrel Girl stopped moving backward and looked at the situation. She narrowed her eyes and jumped the bed. She raised her hand and slammed her knuckle spike into the sheets. Eye Scream continued with a concussive blast of vanilla ice cream. Then, he shot a blast of freezing ice scream at her book and her hands to freeze them in place. The bed stopped moving.  
  
"Good job, Ice. I'm sorry for his behavior, he tends to be a little to over the top," Squirrel Girl says as Becca is seated on the bed, her hands in the ice cream handcuffs, "But that doesn't explain you're actions. We came because of your ad which said you needed friends to deal with who were experiencing powers that weren't exactly regular powers."  
  
Becca placed her head down, her hair flowing over her face. She gently started to weep. "I'm just so tired of being made fun of…"  
  
Eye Scream started to feel guility, "Ahh…I was only teasing. If you knew me, you'd known I like to tease. No hard feelings…right?"  
  
Becca looked up into Walter's eyes. "I didn't think anyone would come." Squirrel Girl ripped open the ice cream handcuffs as Becca dropped her book. "I've never had any real friends.I was one of the crowds in school called the "Goth". I never fit in with the other "Goths" because of my hair. When I was in graduation, to receive my diploma…my powers first manifested. As I touched my principle's hand to get my diploma, my skin and his started to change to different colors. Everyone laughed, and I ran away. I'm sure my parents are worried sick…"  
  
"Then, what was that stunt you did with the bed?" Eye Scream asked, picking her book and handing it to her. She glanced at it.  
  
"I study the mystical arts…it's a new type of mystical arts. I can make inanimate objects move on my command. I'm not very good at it, but I am one of the few who study it."  
  
The three remained silent for a time. Cheryl finally extended her hand and smiled.  
  
"I'm Cheryl Wiggum, Squirrel Girl. This is Walter Goodwill, Eye Scream. Welcome aboard."  
  
Becca grabbed her hand and smiled. Walter remained motionless.  
  
"Who's up for ice cream?! ON THE STUD!"  
  
They looked at him strangely.  
  
"You don't get it? You know how people say on the house well…"  
  
"Shut up, Ice." Squirrel Girl said, walking with Becca to the exit of her trailer. Walter started to follow then stopped in his tracks.  
  
"…Oh my God. Wait, toothy! Does this mean that Skittles over here is joining the team?"  
  
"Probably, yes. Why?"  
  
He grins and starts to chuckle, "Two girls in my apartment? SWEET!"  
  
Next Issue: The return of Micromax! 


End file.
